A poem that got me into TSP

I Need To Be More Positive

Then I wouldn’t be such a pessimist,

expecting nothing but the worst, thinking that these terrible,

awful things only happen to me.

I would take a nice big breath of the crisp air

as if it’s my first.

I’d allow myself to embrace the love and support

surrounding me, and not push it away.

I would prefer love rather than hate,

relief rather than pain,

and living rather than not living.

If I were positive, the world would be my friend.

The flowers would bloom with me,

not around me.

With positivity comes happiness too, right?

I mean you can’t possibly be depressed

if you always are looking

on the brighter side of life.

Something I never do.

I guess it’s relatively sad

but the way I see it is if i expect the worst

my hopes and dreams won’t be shattered

like they have been so many times before.

It’s just how my brain works.

I don’t know why.

If I were positive, I would be confident

I wouldn’t second guess,

I wouldn’t be obsessed with little details,

I wouldn’t be such a perfectionist.

The dissipating voices of enemies will vanish.

And lastly,

if I were positive,

I would be alive.

I would have more to say,

more experiences to discuss,

more goals,

more greatness.

I know you hate me, and I'm sorry

Ive been having so many feelings lately.
Its really strange because there are highs and lows.
I don't know what I want in life.
I don't know why I am even here to be honest.
All of my relationships are bipolar and somehow screwed up.

I think I am going to be in multiple abusive relationships, partially because I will always give in, always forgive, always minimize my control, always force those who don't want me to want me. It's like I subconsciously put myself in these situations because "suffering" and "feeling hurt" is all that I know and all that I subconsciously want.
Let me put that in english: I feel the only reason I am here is to suffer and hate life and be negative so why stop now?

I'm also so impulsive.. It is extremely embarrassingg, along with my  passive agressiveness.. I want soemone so desperately to care about how i feel, or care if I was mad at them, and react the way I do. Like does someone  scroll through my instagram  or my snapchat story constantly,  because they cant spend a moment not knowing what im doing? Does someone  cry or get emotional if i get mad at them? Is it all they will think about?
I have absolutely no idea where this is going.

Pce.

i'm thinking about you

yes, I know, this post has a rather creepy name. Try not to think about it. Please don't get mad. I tried writing a few posts earlier, however I gave up after restarting six times. I then contemplated the idea of sending you an email. Now, here I am again, trying to produce a somewhat 'good' blog post. I am out of ideas, my creative process is fried. I used up all of my creative oils this morning. I'll be good to go tomorrow. 

Second to most importantly, I traded for 1 pound (really 12 ounces) of organic coffee this evening. Unfortunately, my coffee supply is not bottomless, which I learned the hard way over this past weekend. When I realized that there was no coffee left, it felt as though I was trapped in a small room, for the rest of my life. Tears began to roll down my face and my thoughts became unorganized, along with being terrifying. Today when I bought the coffee, I felt a sensation of being brought back to life. Kind of similar to when Jesus is resurrected from the dead, so they say. 

I'm beginning to realize that there are already 14 "I"s within this short blog post. Feelings of narcissism are creeping upon me, however I know it is just my mind playing tricks. 

Most importantly, I had a really good time today. I know you weren't planning on hanging out with me, but it doesn't matter to me. Sometimes I say to myself "All things happen for a reason," the more I contemplate  this widely-used phrase (cliché) I think that it may apply to (y)our situation today. Also, you smelled really good. 

Lastly, I think that it is funny that you brought your homework in the forest. I kind of wish that we tried doing your homework in the woods, sitting on a log (without any ants). 

ice

it was ok for a while
then it all changed
the questions came at me 
like bullets from an automatic machine gun
they stung

my body ached
my head spun
everything felt not good

the answers don't matter
it'll never change
frozen in time
because that is what the past is for

to haunt me 

The only music that was playing was Piano Man

or at least the only music I could hear

It played softly from my iPhone speakers as

my best friend and I tried to look for a deeper sadder meaning

It reaked like weed

He was so stoned

Like sooooo stoned

And I was so drunk

Like sooooo drunk

All of a sudden the "NON ROMANTIC" experience came to an end

A flash light blared in my eyes

and I could see a small shiny badge

This person was not a sophomore 

He was an old assholic man

I ran inside

He said stop but i just kept running 

I was a foot away from the door

I had done this before so there was no hesitation

I was having semi heart palpitations 

but it was oddly calm

it wasnt as bad as last time

partially because this time there was absolutley no reason for them to come

I texted my friend for a ride

Im so inconsiderate 

if he came and got caught he couldve gotten his liscense away

I apologize

Yet i really had no other choice 

I had no ride home and I was stuck in a bathroom with 5 other people who had no ride home

Parents were yelling

Names were being written down

Secrets were being shared

Texts were being sent

I got a ride home 

All i wanted to do was to talk to my friend 

Its weird I always want to when im intoxicated 

I think he reduces my stress

We talked

I said weird things

i hope he has fun with his other friend

(the friend that just liked my insta pic and im really flattered rn)

Its now the morning
I kinda want to take an unperscribed drug
It feels like the day
or maybe ill take more meda

fuck bitches get money

fuck bitches get money
fuck! Bitches get money!
fuck, bitches get money.
fuck bitches. get money
fuck! bitches! get money!

Girl.

I'm at yet a anther doctors appointment
The only sound is the five bagillion sound machines outside each door

I was really voiceful this time 
which normally i'm not
i just readsome helpful tips on how to not get raped


Holy shit that girl that asked my friend what band they like
or something along those lines
is here.

This is embarrassing but i feel it happens alot
I think im gunna take a picture and send it to my friend but i dont know

Shes sitting on a wooden bench with her mom
no conversation, tense air, sinicle looks
a situation im quite familiar with

if i wasnt sitting in the only other chair
im sure she would be sitting far far away from her mom like i did

my moms talking to the doctor now
i wonder what bullshit shes gunna say this time!